Better Than I Used to Be
Before heading off to college, my sister and I would drive around in my green Honda Accord going from store to store looking for bins, ironing boards, extension cords and shower shoes. Almost every time we got in the car, we played the song Chasing the Light by Mat Kearney.
Two weeks ago, I was losing my head preparing for my last few finals before my bachelor's degree, and somehow managed to fit in Christmas shopping and packing to move. I drove around in my white Honda Accord from work to home to the doctor's to the library. Almost every time I got in the car, I played the song Better Than I Used to Be by Mat Kearney.
It didn't strike me until today how full-circle this was. Coming and going in two very similar ways, but as two very different Reinas.
And suddenly, I had an answer.
Maybe a month ago, I was asked what I liked best about myself. This question struck me for two reasons. For one, I had just written something that same day where a character was asked this exact question. Her response?
"Virtually nothing. My hair thins when I'm stressed, I've put on twenty pounds in the past year—yes, you heard me. In one year—I wasn't accepted into graduate school my first time around so I had to take up this office job in the meantime, I'm twenty three years old and still get acne. The list goes on, but not much on it is likeable."
My response? I didn't have one.
I could come up with all sorts of things I'm good at, or things that I like to do. I love being a teacher. I love drawing. I'm good at singing. I can take decent photographs. Whatever, whatever--none of these things were what I liked best about myself, or even how I wanted to really define myself. So, for weeks, I struggled to find the answer to a question that should've been easy enough to answer. I found it today, driving home from Rockford in the beginnings of a snowstorm.
What I like best about myself is that I'm better than I used to be.
Not at everything, of course. I'm still pretty bad at physics. Sometimes, I let my emotions get the best of me. I don't get angry very much, but when I do, I get mad. When I'm upset, I spend money on clothes. I could go to the gym more--should go to the gym more. Whatever, whatever--none of these take away from the fact that I'm still better than I used to be. Leaving high school, I knew nothing. I lived a good life. I was innocent and young, like most 18 year olds, I suppose. Leaving college, I know a little more--not everything, but more. I've experienced hardships. I've had to overcome. I've been forced to grow. At times, I was chasing the light, just like in the song: I was running after things I couldn't really grasp in hopes that it was change me for the better. Sometimes, darkness caught up with me. Always, I could get away from it. And now, I'm better than I used to be.
Going into 2018, I want this to still ring true. No matter what comes, I want to come out stronger. No matter where I go, I want to come back better. Year after year, even if I'm not where I want to be, I will be better than I used to be.
Here's to a bright 2018,
Reina M
