A Tongue Full of Only Tomorrows

"A tongue full of only tomorrows will never quench your thirst for today"

~The Maine

I was desperately trying to run after tomorrow because tomorrow brought me one day closer to whatever it is that isn't happening today. A day closer to gradating from undergrad. A day closer to the weekend. A day closer to this. A day closer to that.

I often label myself as an adventure-seeker, constantly on the look out for my next great moment. I love to travel and discover. I love to learn new languages and further my knowledge on the languages that I already know. I love to always be doing something and going somewhere. But, what about the moments when I'm made to be still?

A friend once told me, "you're always saying you want to go on an adventure. But the adventure happens wherever you are." For a moment, it made me feel guilty and confused. Why was I always looking to do and to go. Why couldn't I just be--right then, right there?

Shortly after hearing these words, I forgot all about them because great adventures followed: a trip to the Ozarks, a trip to St. Louis, a trip to Mexico, a trip to New Orleans, a job change, moving into a house, going back to school after some time off, a trip to South America. Again, this friend mentions, "you said you wanted an adventure, right?"

Why was I suddenly so obsessed with chasing after the next adventure? Why was I suddenly so obsessed with chasing after what's to come tomorrow, or what's so far off in the distance? In hind sight, it had to have been the demons I was fighting off within myself. If I continued to keep busy, they couldn't distract me. They couldn't keep me occupied. They couldn't let worry, doubt, dread, fear set in.

But, they were still there, no matter how busy I was. No matter how much I planned and packed for trip after trip. No matter how much I managed to fit into a day, nighttime always came, and I was forced to be still and face those demons. I was forced to be still and realize I wasn't as happy as I pretended to be--not even as happy as I'd convinced myself I was.

I'm still on the lookout for my next adventure. I'm still waiting for what's to come tomorrow because tomorrow is one day closer to the weekend, one day closer to the end of the semester, one day closer to visiting Europe for the first time, one day closer to finishing my undergraduate degree.

I'm still not as happy as I pretend to be, but I'm getting there.

I'm happier with myself and my skills as I cultivate them through practice and participation. I'm learning to appreciate my appearance through "modeling" I'm learning to appreciate my town through photography. I'm fighting my demons rather than pushing them deeper and deeper down, because I now know that they'll just come bubbling up to the surface again. I'm struggling to forgiving others, but Rome wasn't built in a day, right?

Neither was Reina.

The negative will take some time to undo, and the positive will take some time to polish. Until then, I will sip on cups of coffee with eyes closed, take deep breathes and be reminded that there was once a time where tomorrow might've never come--it still may not. It's not promised to any of us, as much as we'd like to think it is.

Today, I'm reminding myself to speak life to bring love; be life to bring light; cherish life since it's the most precious thing we carry with us; and be alive and love the life that's mine.

Love and light,

Reina M